Friday, September 22, 2017
Tuesday was National Pirate Day. There is nothing I enjoy more than taking to the high seas as a pirate. I got my cocky hat out, put on my eye patch, strapped on my sword, gave Jazzmin some booty to be my first mate, and we boarded the SS Foley and took to the high seas.
I climbed the mast, and I pointed us towards the sun. Jazzmin, a relatively new angel, was nervous about having an adventure but I told her it was Pirate day, what could go wrong?
Except for a larger pirate ship with real pirates. They rammed into us and boarded our vessel. I got off the mast and ran behind Jazzmin. “What are you doing?” Jazzmin asked.
“You are bigger than me, and I am your captain, so you must protect me.”
“Un-uh sister,” Jazzmin said. “This was your dumb idea.”
She pushed me forward. There was a big, smelly, peg-legged pirate in front of me. “What are you doing on the high seas little dog?” he asked.
“It is National Pirate Day!” I told him. “My friend Jazzmin and I came out here to have an adventure.”
“So you are pretend pirates?” he asked holding his sword near me. I nodded and trembled. “Well that is so annoying,” the pirate said “I spend my whole life raping and pillaging, and I get no respect. Nobody dresses up, or names sports teams after Vikings!” I told him that they did. “Then why don’t you go dressing like a Viking?” he asked.
“I don’t like the pointy horns,” I answered.
“And there are no ships,” Jazzmn helpfully pointed out.
“Of course there are ships,” the pirate insisted.
“How do you think they got to bloody North America.”
“We don’t believe in that,” Jazzmin said.
“Yes, the Italians are very protective of Columbus Day,” I added.
The pirate sat down. “We used to be scary; we used to be feared. Now we are nothing but cosplay characters. I blame Johnny Depp.”
“That Captain Hook didn’t do much for you either,” Jazzmin added.
“Yes,” I agreed, “whenever I dream about pirates now it is usually Christopher Walken singing.”
“Bah, what a nightmare,” the pirate said. “Look, you two seem like two nice little dogs, we will let you go, but don’t come out here as pirates again, and make sure you tell all your friend how frightening we were.”
Jazzmin and I kissed the pirate to thank him and waited until he sailed away before we spit his skanky beard hair from our mouths. When we docked, I was checking my Angel-Phone to see when our next adventure day would be but Jazzmin assured me she would be doing her hair that day.
As I walked home, I looked back and saw a small pirate sail ship on the seas.
I know he wants me to say they were ferocious but I found them darn cute.