Thursday, October 27, 2016

I Got Yeast In My Ears By River Song

Last year I got Lymes.  I thought it was going to be great.  I love fruit.  I figured I would lay them like eggs.  But every time I squatted it was the same old s**t.  They say I still have traces of lyme but I have given up on producing anything.
Last week was a very busy week for my parents.  It was one of those weeks when our parents say “we can’t possibly fit in one more thing.”
On Tuesday we had a groomer’s appointment.  When our parents came to pick us up the groomer’s announced “River has a yeast infection!”  Geez, sister, don’t you know what happens at the salon stays at the salon.  The last thing I needed was them announcing what’s going on inside of me to the outside.
When we got to the car daddy called the vet.  He told the woman who answered that the groomer had diagnosed me with a yeast infection (Man, why don’t you just put it on Twitter!) and he wanted to know if I needed to be brought in or if he could just get the medicine.
“Are you asking if River can avoid the costly exam?” the vet tech asked.  Daddy said yes.  And then the vet tech laughed and laughed.  “Of course you have to bring her in silly,” she said.  “We don’t make money on curing what is wrong; we make money on telling you what you already know.”
So the next morning I had to go to the vet.  I didn’t see why.  I wasn’t showing any symptoms, and I didn’t feel poorly.  This thing was rigged!  There were a bunch of ditzy blonds with German Shepherds in the waiting room.  It must have been ditzy blond Wednesday.  One of the ditzes dropped a leash and this giant German Shepherd looped right over to me.  I used my resting bitch face get him to retreat behind his mom.
My mom, dad, and I were brought in this small little room and had to wait a really long time. Then they vet came in, swabbed me ear, smelled it, and said I had a yeast infection. Way to go Dr. Pasteur.  Then I got a shot in the butt, drops in the ear, pills for future use, drops for future use, and a big old bill.  Thank the Big Guy that daddy had one of those little plastic cars the forgives all debt.
So now I am getting drops in my ears, and somewhere mommy is sneaking me a pill.  I don’t know where.  She is very clever.  Before I am cured I hope I have more luck creating yeast then I did lymes.  
I can’t promise anything but if anyone wants some good, old-fashioned, ear bread let me know.